I am pretty tired after today. It is pretty damn hot in this room right now. Don't know how sleep is gonna go tonight, weed has a weird impact on me where it can at times make me more awake than tired. I know most people smoke it to go to sleep, and sometimes it does make me sleep. But there are times where my mind is racing from the psychoactive effects, I just can't slow it down. Right now might be one of those moments. Idk, I feel pretty chill right now, but I was contemplating why I am dedicating myself so much to this path. Recently, I have been considering my perspective on life. I am convincing myself that by engaging with a constant stream of related education will provide enough information to form a more complete perspective. Not, like, YouTube, mostly. It's helpful for motivation to keep the concepts interesting. But I am actually working at a University as part of the staff and have made it my mission to take advantage of the employee benefits that allow me to take a certain amount of free courses. I know I ought to be taking classes that have the firmest chance of landing a job, but I just can't help myself. I am taking psychology and anthropology. And I am spending my free time taking free online programming courses. These things have little application to any sort of career directly. However, I justify it by believing that if I continue to work in education and take free classes, I can build an interdisiplinary perspective and wealth of various forms of knowledge that I can effectively create my own future down the line. I often wonder if it is a waste of time. Maybe cognitive dissonance over the depressing state of our world has made me believe that this strategy may be the path to some sort of individual contentment and to a general improvement of the general welfare. Perhaps I am a fool. But at this rate, I am beginning to care just too little about such sentiments. I don't want to climb a ladder if it means I have to abandon my morals and take what is not mine in such a way that harms ordinaray people. Billionaires and massive corporations, fuck them, I will take from you as much as I can get. They're the reason I am in this situation and they waste all their amassed resources to burn the planet down in a vain attempt to feel happy. I'll say it again, I will take as much as I can get. But pushing peers and colleages down to climb upwards, to lie and distrupt someone's thoughts to satisfy your own, to be so dishonest that you are no longer the greatest of what you could have been, that I cannot abide. I like my plan. It will change as all plans do. But I am more confident ever of my position and growth. I am in a tough spot, but I believe with enough calm focus I can guide myself through.
Called out of work sick today. It is far too nice to sit inside that boring, sterile, mind-ending office staring at a screen pretending anything that happens there actually matters. No, today I decided to go to read in the park, drink some beer, smoke my pipe, listen to some Takanaka, and learn some more CS stuff. I am also having fun tracking nearby flights and trying to find them in the sky. It's cool knowing where planes are coming from as I watch their small shapes fly above me in the clear blue sky. Atm, I am drinking a Czech beer "Czechvar" just chilling on my porch. It's already 5pm, but the sun is just barely beginning to set, and the temperature is still in the 80s, so I am going to try and chill for as long as possible until I need to make dinner. I unfortunately have to go into work tomorrow, this small vacation will not last forever, but I'll be damned if I can't pretend it will for the coming hours of daylight. I think I'll get a little stoned tonight after dinner. Planning on making some fried chicken. But fr, I don't think I have enjoyed life so much in such a long time as I have today. I appreciated everything from the little spider that crawled on my arm, to the first real warm breeze this year, to the fact that time is only passing as I let it. This sort of peace only comes every now and then. I hope I can find joy in these kinds of moments more frequently as this Spring progresses and the Summer comes in. I used to love the Winter, but perhaps my outlook on life is slowly changing. The relief from my seasonal depression is far more noticable than it ever has been, and I think I am becoming a happy person for it, or at least one who can find joy in the more simple aspects of life.